“We all went home

To search ourselves

There's no one left

To feed us now

We all want more

Than what we have

Just pick me up

And let me down

State your reason for cushioning your fall

I call it treason please share with me your thoughts

I've learned to find my place to hide

My circus of rust and lies

We take it down these holy ties

Just run away and follow blind

State your reason for cushioning your fall

I call it treason please share with me your thoughts

State your reason for cushioning your fall

I call it treason please share with me your thoughts

Do you enter lives

Without knocking or warning?

Do you count the lives

And pace the night ‘til morning?

State your reason for cushioning your fall

I call it treason please share with me your thoughts

State your reason for cushioning your fall

I call it treason, share with me your thoughts

State your reason (to walk away)

I call it treason”

If anyone has spent their life trying to find a place to hide, it has been me.  I have always been extremely reserved, introverted, and slow to reveal any personal details about myself.  The reasons for this are that I know that if I never really open up to someone, I won’t have as much to lose and that if I need to get out of a situation, whether a friendship or romantic relationship, my fall will be cushioned by the fall for the mere fact that I won’t have far to fall and I’ll have all the things I’ve stayed away from sharing to land upon.  It’s really a great system.

Until I sit back and think about how things could have been different had I opened up.  I’m someone who rarely regrets my decisions or finding myself thinking, “D’oh!  What the hell was I thinking?!”  But, when I look at the friendships I’ve built and the relationships I’ve been in, there is really very little depth to a lot of them.  I am, for the most part, a “what you see is what you get” (for lack of a better cliche) guy.  I do a lot of fucked up things, but don’t we all?  I have things that make me excited and things that make me sad, things that are uppers and things that bum me out, and I have my demons that I fight day-in and day-out.

But, as I get older, I find myself fairly far removed from a lot of relationships and working through a lot of things on my own, often utilizing music and movies/television as a medium to get me through my issues.  Maybe I’ve lived my life scared to fall and find comfort in the fact that the abstract can’t let me down.  Maybe this is why dark humor and dark movies and musicians that are fighting with their inner strife get me off like nothing else in this world.  Whatever it is, I’ve always lived my life trying to cushion the fall, when, in this life, the beauty of love and fulfillment is in the fear that I might fall.

Listen here.